having a giggle at a younger me

I was looking for something in my bag of special things (we all keep a bag with stuff special to us right?)Mine goes as far back as the day I was born. i was surprised to find I was only just over 6pd. None of my kids have been that small!!
I came across my very first school photo, so we're going back to 1981. I think I was such a cute little girl . I don't normally put photos of my face on here but I hardly think anyone will know who I am with this face.

I look a bit further through my bag of stuff and find report cards!! I thought they were all lost. Had to laugh at the one from when I was in year 2. I will NEVER forget this incident.

My teacher was Miss Fitzgerald. She was very young. I was what you would call the brown noser teachers pet. i was always picked to do everything for her. She always let me do things first. I could do no wrong. Until.....

The report card says "(insert my name here) general behaviour is pleasing (and improved). We have had problems with (insert my name) re rights of others and rules of the classroom but we have come to a good understanding now I am pleased to say....

So the actual story to this was that there was a new girl in the class. Because I was the teachers pet I assumed I would never get busted and thought everything I did was right. WRONG! While we were sitting on the mat listening to the teacher explain something to us I thought it was great timing to show the new girl where to put her stencils when she was finished with them. Even got as far as getting up off the mat to show her. Ultimate FAIL. I was publicly humiliated then and there. I tried to tell her what I was doing but I just couldn't get out the right words and I think I may have even said something rude to her. Miss Fitzgerald banned me from going to violin lessons that day. I was devastated. Not only had I almost lost my position as teachers pet, I also had to then tell mum I was in trouble and couldn't have my lesson. ...
Thankfully it turned out well (hence the comment that we came to a good understanding). i apologised to her and we hugged and went on from where we left off. I was the brown noser teachers pet once again.

sharing this funny memory with my mummy daze and great fun 4 kids  and diary of a SAHM for I blog on Tuesdays

How to diffuse a disagreement

Dh and I could have easily had a disagreement which would have ended in complete silence for us both for the night. My biggest issue is being stubborn and holding a grudge.
it all started with a miscommunication. I wanted to eat dinner alone with him tonight (no kids) and he wanted to go to man heaven  bunnings. Only thing is.....he didn't tell me this til I mentioned I needed to go there tomorrow for art wire and got all excited about it then suddenly remembered that he needed something there tonight. Well it's not like I live there like he does so am completely unaware of the opening hours. Who would think that Bunnings in a country town would be open til 9pm on a Friday night?? So the whole time I am thinking he chose bunnings over me   it'll be too disorganised to eat after the kids are asleep so went on my high horse and got the shits and made us all eat together. I realised after going on google what time it shuts and told dh he should've told me that so i wouldn't have got the shits (because he is responsible for my feelings and reactions lol).
This could have went 2 ways....silence for the rest of the night, or just get over it. For me to just get over it isn't easy but it was really a stupid reason to be shitty. Dh was serving dinner from the stove to the plates. I was standing beside him and lifted my top to show my breasts lol. (the kids were not in view) I remember reading somewhere to get naked in the middle of a fight and it is such a silly thing to do that you both forget why you were fighting. I couldn't exactly do that but did what I could knowing kids could walk in any second. It immediately diffused it and we went on to have dinner all together. Dh is now at man heaven  bunnings.

linking with flash back friday

how do YOU diffuse a disagreement?

thankful thursday

Linking up with kate says stuff and first day of my life for thankful thursday


This week I am thankful for my dh. I know I can bitch about him but really I feel lucky to have him

I am thankful for the app that is helping me lose weight and also be more aware of what i am eating.

Thankful for zumba. what a crack up. Having a great time moving my butt with my sister

roadworks

linking up with twinkle in the eye for wordless wednesday

when a helicopter flew over

wordless wednesday with my little drummer boy

what really matters?

We were given sad news this morning that Dh's uncle passed away. He was only 68. It wasn't sudden, as he had been on life support for the last week after an operation. But still too early. He hadn't watched his grandsons grow up yet. He wasn't expecting this only 3 weeks ago. It's amazing what can change in just 3 weeks.
This brings back memories of my mother passing away. She too was on life support. I was only 20. My sister just turned 23. I moved away in the February to the Blue Mountains to only come back the next month to sit with my sister by our mother's hospital bed. I prayed every night that she be taken away from her pain. We sat and sat and waited. The dr's approached us about turning the life support off. That was a huge decision for us to make but one that had to be made. That night we spoke to her and gave her permission to leave us. Even though her eyes weren't open and she couldn't respond we knew she could hear us. We told her we were going to a friends for dinner that night and if she'd prefer to leave while we're out that's ok. I know she heard us...it was only a couple hours later that she passed away. Did she feel anything? don't know. Was she aware that she was leaving? don't know. We were called up straight away. I took the option to see her. I had to know. What did dead look like. She looked peaceful but not there. Listless, colourless, lifeless. It was only a matter of minutes that she was gone but you could tell. I freaked. I couldn't cry, couldn't scream. Nothing came out of me. Pure shock. I practically collapsed. It was over. she was gone. That was 15years ago. I will never forget that feeling.

If you read this post you'll know dh and I didn't have a great weekend. It was on Monday night that we were informed his Aunty had to make the decision whether or not to turn his uncles life support off. They've been married for at least 40years. I couldn't imagine having to make that decision with dh. I didn't even know my mother as long and dh's aunty and uncle knew each other. She gave me life. We took hers. As much as i had been angry with dh i just wanted to hold him close. What must be going through his head that he lost an uncle? Did our fight really matter? What if that was us? What if one of us had to make that decision?What if we fight then suddenly I lose him?I would hate to have him just out of my life like that. Gone. Lifeless, listless, colourless. Or the kids...I don't know how I would cope without them. A little girl miss s age was in a car accident last week. She pulled through but had to have surgery. Happened in a flash. It scares me. My kids are my world.

What really matters in your life?

Linking with things i can't say for pour your heart out and twinkle in the eye for flash blog friday

open your eye's, it's not just about you!!

this blog will probably make no sense at all because my head is all over the place. i don't even know what to title it because there are many things to title this blog with. I might even write each possible title and the reason behind it and then it might make more sense. Briefly first.... (if you have time)
read stepping out, stepping out 2, a bit more,  and being in a step family sux, to get a basic overview on things.
And what I haven't blogged yet is that chatterbox ran away again a teh end of June 2012. She went on the Saturday night from her mother's house. Was found wandering the main street at 11:30pm Tuesday night by the police. She was brought to our house because her mother was away for work. It didn't go down too well. She screamed and screamed and cried. Woke up Little Man who was terrified and blocking his ears. We sent her to the youth refuge for the next couple nights so we could all calm down. Dh got her out of there on the friday. By Saturday he already allowed her down town with her friends (one who she ran away with ) (which he didn't even know she was meeting up with because he is sooo ignorant). I confront him about why he did this and was it just to get her out of his hair ...and yes , sadly he admitted that was the reason he allowed her. Lucky for him she came home. Bio mum and dh, and chatterbox meet with the psych's they see to discuss consequences for her running away. The result was a month of not being allowed down town with her friends. (which of course did not get seen through)
so this blog as a result of this weekend just gone, with the possible titles of this blog -

1. Never get involved with a married man ....unless his kids are full grown adults. ...you can never be a real family. There's always going to be tension, Which is what happens every time chatterbox comes to stay. There's either tension because chatterbox has done the wrong things (ie run away again), or because i hate the way dh DOESN"T parent this girl, or I've said something to piss dh off about chatterbox, but meanwhile if i said exactly the same thing about bub, little man, or miss s he would back me up.

2. consequences should be realistic and followed through....the month is not even up. But already on friday afternoon chatterbox was down town with her friends. And surprise surprise she wasn't in the place she should have been at the time for pick up. Half hour later he got hold of her . She bargained with him to stay longer. He gave up and hung up. Wasn't even going to bother getting her. I pushed him and said if he loves and cares for her he'll do what a parent should do and get her despite what she wants. for fuck sake she shouldn't have even been there. He did! then saturday she was there again...til 5:30pm. Shops in our town close at 2pm. The only kids hanging out where she does are well known as the ferals. The whole town are sick of them. Crime has increased 200%. I didn't understand again why he let her when the consequence time wasn't even up.But oh, wait, she's been a good girl all week so they lifted the consequence. Can't they see that this is what they've done her WHOLE life so of course she knows she's got it over them. but again...he did what was easy for him, instead of being seen as the baddy and having to listen to her whinge all day he let her do what she wants

3. open your bloody eyes!!...Is what i feel like saying to dh all the time. He lives with his head in the sand completely oblivious to what chatterbox is going through. He lets her out whenever she wants. She is 13 for goodness sake. he doesn't know who she hangs around. I do...because i follow what she does via fb(she doesn't know). I tell him alot of the boys she hangs around are 17-20yrs old. i ask him today who was she with. He says...oh her friends in town. I say great friends , they are giving her cigarettes. He says, well can't stop it can i? ..Umm, yes you can!!Open your eyes and see that she already has a police record, so it won't belong until she pulled in for questioning over one of the many break ins that are occurring every single night in this town.

4. it's not just about you you know....dh has spent so much of this time feeling guilty for leaving chatterbox. I "get"that. Now get the fuck over yourself and start parenting your child, loving her like a parent should which includes discipline, setting boundaries. Not just giving her what she wants when she wants to make yourself feel better. Love the child. Keep her home safe from the "gronks", give her consistency,God knows she doesn't get it from anywhere else. He admits he struggles with having her over because she treats him like shit. Well get over it. who is the adult here??

5. why bother?....people tell me that dh and my bond needs to be the strongest at this time. I find that really hard though. We both clearly have different parenting ideas. I worry it'll be like this when ours grow up. I can Not have my kids turn out like that. Then if they do I highly doubt i will get the support from him. it scares me.

So basically i feel i am hitting my head against a brick wall because no one but me wants to parent chatterbox. Both bio parents are too interested in doing what is easy for them. We hit this brick wall every single time she comes. I have taken on a new role of mary poppins....i don't discipline her anymore, i am nice and sweet to her, i even put flowers in her room to show i care. but it pains me to watch dh drift away from her.

linking up to best in blog with great fun 4 kids and i blog on tuesdays with diary of a stay at home mum

things i know

linking up with singular insanity for Things I Know

I went out to dinner last night with some lady friends (actually mothers of my daughters friends lol).

I know that i had a great time and lots of laughs. I actually laughed really loud at one point and don't know if the rest of the restaurant heard me lol

I know that I left there feeling very satisfied for sticking to my eating plan and not walking away regretting that I ate too much.

This may sound a bit judgemental but I know that if DH wasn't home and I didn't have an adult baby sitter there is no way I would leave my kids at home with a 14 year old. One of the mum's did this. Her choice I know. But...the 14 year old was in charge of 3 of this mums kids and 2 friends of the mum's eldest daughter (10). In the area they live there are a FEW break ins or cars being stolen nearly every night. Huuuge responsibility. The daughter kept ringing the mum saying she is scared and can the mum please come home. The mum told her it was the wind and to not be silly. I know I judged her for that but again her choice. I am glad the kids are safe.

advocating for my daughter in her classroom

Yesterday was the first time I was one of "those" parents that stuck my nose in in the classroom.
Miss S is only in kindergarten and still finding her feet. She is so confident in many ways, but so unsure in others. Yesterday was one day I realised that only 2 terms into school of course she doesn't know when or when not to tell the teacher things. And how are they supposed to know unless taught.

There i am at the back of the classroom listening to a little boy read to me. I am half concentrating on him but half concentrating on miss s who was only a couple metres away from me. I notice her work isn't getting done and she was no where up to where the other kids were. She looks back at me constantly and I quietly tell her to finish her work. I continue listening to the boy then from the corner of my eye see the little boy sitting next to miss s start poking her with a pencil. She got a pencil and poked him back. i told her to stop. keep listening to the little boy read to me, then see the other boy poke miss s again, and again. She uses her shoulder to try fight him off. Little boy finishes reading to me so I go over to miss s and suggest she talk to her teacher. The boy says no no no. I nod to miss s and tell her she needs to let the teacher know when another child is bothering her and stopping her from doing her work. Miss s went and told her teacher who acted straight away and moved the boy away up to the front of the class. He was bawling his eyes out. I felt awful....but....he can't be let to get away with thinking that is ok.  Miss s sat down and was able to complete her work.

Parent/teacher interview was only a few hours after this incident so I was able to discuss it with her teacher and apologise for what may have seemed like dobbing. She explained that this week she attempted sitting the more disruptive children in the class in amongst the more sensible children. She too had noticed that miss s's concentration in class was a bit less since sitting next to that boy and will have to think of new seating arrangements again.

I don't want my child to be a dobber but I do want her to know it's ok to tell the teacher especially if the child is bothering her enough that she can't complete her work and then she's the one in trouble. I know we can't cotton wool them but I can't help but wonder what if I never saw that and the teacher leaves them sitting together. Miss s is no angel and she loves being silly so it scares me that sitting next to a child like that might egg her on. I've got another at least 14 yrs left of this. eeekk!!

Linking with  twinkle in the eye for flash blog friday and with some grace for flog ya blog friday

Thankful Thursday

Linking up today with kate says stuff for Thankful Thursday and First day of my life

Today was a tiring day, I had a very energetic inquisitive 4yr old boy. All he wants is a tech deck skateboard ramp toy for k mart. I am not the type of parent to just go and buy a toy so i give him little jobs to do so earn it. only thing is he whinges about EVERY job that it is too hard. anyway, today just felt draining because he asked and asked for it and asked and asked every question under the sun.

so today i am thankful for..

the fact that at least my son can talk, and talk well at that

that i can communicate with my son

also thankful for tap dance lessons. Miss s started today, her first every class. Miss s was inspired by a band called the Perch Creek family jug band. After watching them a few times she kept trying herself. Finally classes opened this week for tap. She was so excited as 2 of her school friends have joined her. She can't wait to go again next week.

I tried uploading a you tube video of one of the jugband members tap dancing but it won't let me. google for yourself, you'll love it!!

I wish....

linking up with things i can't say for Pour Your Heart out

every day i feel tense. i feel anxious. i feel stressed. not one single thing has caused it. just a mix of different things. I wish i didn't always feel like that. i wish i could always enjoy my kids. I wish I could appreciate my dh more. instead i always nit pick and find something wrong. he doesn't deserve that. neither do my precious kids. love em all to bits and would be lost without them.

can you hear that???

empty chairs

lonely lego

abandoned motorbike

tidy toy area

half finished colouring in

 there is nothing to hear at all as the kids are at school and day care

linking up with my little drummer boy for wordless wednesday

3rd day

So I have survived 3 days of the diet. Well it's not really a diet as I plan to continue like this.
For anyone interested it is an app on your phone, or can do it on the computer, called

My Fitness Pal. Tracks your calorie intake and exercise etc.
I find it keep me accountable and more aware of what I am eating. ....and shouldn't be eating. I thought we didn't eat too bad but once I started this I am almost ashamed at how unhealthy i was eating. Also my food habits were pretty bad too. I would grab whatever i saw first...usually chocolate or something similar because it was quick to eat. But now I am excited to eat and plan ahead and know that by actually eating I may even lose weight.
Have felt a little hungry but am sure my body will adjust. It's a nice feeling though to know I am hungry which means I haven't just constantly eaten all day to then not know what hungry feels like.

so continue watching here to see how the weightloss progresses. I apparently have to do a weigh in on saturday. Am thinking to take photos too so I can see the progress.

one of those weight loss posts

6years ago I was a fit skinny person. I weighed about 45 kgs. I secretly knew i had a good body and wore clothes to show it off. I exercised frequently and watched what I ate.

Rewind 4years prior to that and I was a skinny skinny person. I weighed 38kgs!! I thought I was fat. Some days nothing more than a cup of tea would pass my lips. I thrived on feeling hungry. I felt too scared to eat, not because it would make me fat but it could result in me losing control. I walked for about 2 hours a day sometimes more. If I went to anyone's house I took my own milk because I didn't trust their milk. My milk was "safe". I took a few laxatives a day because I thought they would help me lose weight. I was not a happy person. My life revolved around food and how to avoid it. By moving in with a loving christian family at the age of 25 I slowly recovered from this. It took them asking me to join them for only one meal a week (they were aware of my disorder as their daughter also had one) and i was building up trust and a secure relationship with them. Not once did they focus on food. The mum occasionally asked how was I going and we'd openly discuss it. She was the most supportive and non pushy person. Not once did she say I HAD to eat. Christmas of 2002 I collapsed at  Christmas pageant I was in. Was taken to Nepean hospital and from then I was serious about getting "proper" help. Every Friday I drove myself from the Blue Mountains to Woolhara to see a psychiatrist.
A few months after this I felt confident to move on and moved back to my home town to be closer to my sister. I was still skinny but I wasn't in the same mind frame. Yes food still scared me , fat still scared me but I wasn't irrational about food. I was actually a nicer person too.

Then I lost control. If you read this post it will show you what my last six years was like. 4 pregnancies and 3 earth babies later I now weigh 20kgs more than what I did 6 years ago. I was enjoying food ( too much) and didn't care what I was eating ( to a point). I kept saying i can lose weight any day but that day never came....until I looked in the mirror last week and thought OMG my arms look like legs they are that fat. How have i let myself come to this. If I could lose 10kg I would be happy with that. I hate diets, never stick to them. I rarely exercise now unless you count walking to the bus stop every morning with a 2 yr old in the ERGO on my back exercise lol.
So I was speaking to a friend who has a very clever app on her phone of how to track what she eats and how many calories each item of food has. I have started to follow this as of yesterday. She is worried I will revert to anorexia but I know I won't . I was not a confident person back then . All I wanted back then was to feel accepted and that family achieved that for me. Food doesn't rule me , I rule it.
Be watching to see how the weightloss continues.

For anyone interested in reading about my battle click HERE . I wrote my own account of it and copy and pasted it all to a blog. To read it you HAVE to click on July in the blog archive and then click on consumed....the reason behind the name, or otherwise it will not be in chronological order. Please comment if you do read. Thanks.

adding this post to best in blog with Greatfun4kids and IBOT with diary of a SAHM

i know i won't sleep anytime soon

Things I know this week are....

I will wake up in a different bed then i went to sleep in most days

Raincoats and gumboots are terrific for rainy days

sausage rolls repeat on me

if we had a bigger bedroom to combine all the beds i might get more sleep

tell us what you know by clicking here

how has childhood affected you?

Linking with twinkle in the eye for Flash Blog Friday and with some grace for Flog ya blog Friday

How much has your childhood/upbringing affected you? do little things trigger memories and make you feel how you did back then?
I won't go too much into my childhood as yet. It wasn't thaaaat bad but it wasn't super great. My sister and I were raised by just our mum as our dad died a few months before I was born. She had no family support at all as she moved to Australia from Germany, 2 years before my sister was born. So you can imagine she felt alone and turned to what she could for comfort.

Lately DH has been falling asleep all the time right on bed time for the kids. We all sit in the loungeroom watching the great ABC 2 for kids. Can NOT escape In the Night Garden as bub is obsessed. Every time i look over DH is asleep. Does it piss me off? bloody oath it does. i can't get what is so hard about staying awake. His excuse is that In the Night Garden is boring. Yeh well we dont' all find travelling by Ninky Nonk or ponking in the Pinky Ponk too thrilling but as adults we aren't really there to watch the show but more be there for the kids.
   In the Night Garden video


So why am I pissed off?? I really don't know. I can't pin point it. Part of it is the feeling of abandonment (yeh i know , silly, he is in the same room as me)I feel let down by him too. I am not saying he is letting me down because he isn't as he is totally oblivious to my irrational thoughts. I feel let down in that he has juts thought of himself and thinks it's ok to just drop off to sleep whenever he wants. Forget the fact that i am the one up 2-3 times a night and more often than not wake up in a different bed. Imagine if we both just decided to drop off to sleep just because we find In the Night Garden boring. Well we couldn't it would be neglectful leaving the kids awake by themselves at the ages they are. And there is that feeling!!
                                                                                       
                                                                                           
Childhood memories coming back. Our mother always falling asleep. No matter where you looked she was asleep. She'd lay on our bed while we were playing....then she'd be asleep. She'd be watching tv...then be asleep. You get up and get ready for school...she's asleep. so while i probably didn't feel neglected back then i think back now how it was and with dh doing it i realise it was almost a form of neglect. she should have been there for us. not asleep all the time.
so in reality dh falling asleep isn't his issue, it's mine . how do i deal with it?? who knows??

What things bring back childhood memories/feelings for you?

thankful thursday

link up with kate says stuff for Thankful Thursday and tell us what you're thankful for.

The first 2 days of the week were really lovely and warm. A friend text me MOnday morning to ask if we'd like to join her kids going to the park. It was such a gorgeous afternoon watching the kids play, then running around kicking the ball and catching a frisbee with them. We were there for over 2 hours. It's great in the town I live as it's population of about 60,000 but you're usually guaranteed you will either have the park to yourself or there will only ever be 1 or maximum 2 families there which makes it alot easier to watch your child.

wordless wednesday

My sick little man

he is usually very energetic and full of life but whatever virus he has has really stopped him. off to the dr tomorrow

join in with my little drummer boy for wordless wednesday

my baby is no longer officially a baby

 Bub turned 2 two days ago. She is very grown up for her age ( as much as a 2 yr old can be lol), so in reality we "lost" our baby months ago. People delight in telling me we'll have our hands full with her as she already knows so much and has a wide vocabulary.

As I took the number 2 candle off her cake it dawned on me it's the last time we'll ever use a singular number 2 candle.
While she is now officially a toddler, and has the brain of beyond one there are still many ways in which she is still my baby and i will treasure that.
Bub still has a bottle through the night. kill me now, i know it's not the norm according to Australian society, but I will keep doing it until she says so because even though i get tired, i love those peaceful, uninterrupted cuddles in the night.
Bub likes to snuggle with me in the night also. Sooo many people say...oh stop that now you're creating bad habits. A Few years ago only i would have been one of those people as it was something i never did with miss s and little man. but since losing our angel harry i changed my opinions on all things like that and realised just how precious this tiny life is. Bub does go to sleep on her own in her big bed. Then about 4-5am she calls out for me and i lay in her bed with her (thank goodness she is in a bed not a cot or i wouldn't get in lol). I love it. she snuggles right into me and goes straight back to sleep.
They are only little for such a short time and before you know it they are off to big school. I love holding bub's chubby little hands, squeezing shoes onto her chubby little feet, listening to her pronounce new words. I don't care how many people tell me it's wrong to sleep with her. I am sure it's not something she'll do when she's in highschool.
Join diary of a SAHM for I blog on Tuesdays and read what other bloggers have to say on a tuesday.

thankful thursday....a weeks worth

join up with kate says stuff for thankful thursday to tell us what you are thankful for.
i was away all last week with my kids and my 11 yr old nephew staying with dh's parents. i am thankful for...

inlaws that i get along well with

time away with the kiddies

that my nephew had fun

hanging out with my sister in law

driving there and back and staying in one piece

that i was able to sneak away for 2 hours to have coffee with a friend

feeling betrayed

haven't blogged for a while as just simply run out of time and energy but am goign to try and start again. unfortunately my first post back is a bit negative. i didn't want it to be but it's what is bothering me at the moment. will also be posting this to flash blog friday
dh gave up smoking, cold turkey, 4.5years ago. i was so proud of him. until.....i find a cigarette lighter in the washing machine. it had fallen out of his pocket in the wash cycle (no i don't check pockets). I question him and he reckons it was in his ute so he finally cleaned it out and that ended up in his pocket. hmmm. seemed ok so i forgot all about it.
then.....i close up his ute on saturday night and the strong smell of cigerette smoke residue could be smelt. his whole ute stunk. doesn't usually at all, ever. so i go in and confront him asking him to be honest straight up. he keeps denying until i say i will ask his mates at his work. then he gives in and tells me he had a few puffs at work on friday afternoon just to get one of the workers off his back as theis worker has been bugging him for ages about smoking. i was so angry. how could he do that. not only smoke, but lied right in my face. he is 45!! old enough to not worry abotu peer pressure i would think.
since then everything he does pisses me off. everything he does is wrong. i can't trust him. i don't even know to believe him or not.
has your dh ever done something like this??